Why small businesses will never get a bailout
This was originally posted at Furniture Today, a website I frequent since I work for a small business that sells Furnishings. So I did tweak it slightly to fit all Small Businesses.
Here’s a message I think we,’ll hear on our voicemail sometime in the next six months:
"Greetings from the Federal Bailout Administration. We have taken the your recent request for a bailout under advisement. In other words "we are sitting on it, we'll get to it as soon as we pay off the national debt."
Then the message would then go on to say;
"In case your wondering why, the short is that you are NOT too big to fail. You see instead of being one of the hundreds of thousands of small businesses that distribute products for one of the most competitive large industries in the U.S. economy, you might want to consider consolidating most of your assets into three or four big players, like the auto industry or aircraft manufacturing or banking. Then you see that way, if one of your companies were on the brink of failure, it might threaten to send the whole economy into a tailspin."
Then the advice would ensue:
"In the future, for bailout purposes, it would be better if your industry were structured as a house of cards, not as a solid foundation with risks spread among many companies that can step into the breach if some of their competitors happen to go under. Or maybe you could sell a whole bunch of product on credit and package all those loans into some exotic debt instruments that you could sell to the investment community. Then find a way to get enough of your consumers to default on payments to devalue those instruments, and voila!"
Then of course the One Minute Manger closing:
"But take heart. Even without a bailout of its own, we think the small businesses will indeed benefit from the federal rescue of the "To big to fail" industries. A rising economy, after all, will lift all boats. Our bailout of Wall Street will trickle down to Main Street and then will leach sideways to irrigate the furniture industry. "
Then the Adendum to the closing;
"Hold on, we’re getting a text message from our Subcommittee on Verbal Imagery. It seems the whole water metaphor is overdone and doesn’t quite capture the powerful effect of your government’s economic moves. Instead we are directed to refer to the bailouts as fertilizer that will enable American businesses to plant deep roots and bring our national prosperity to full flower in years to come. "
"Please excuse the smell. "
Here’s a message I think we,’ll hear on our voicemail sometime in the next six months:
"Greetings from the Federal Bailout Administration. We have taken the your recent request for a bailout under advisement. In other words "we are sitting on it, we'll get to it as soon as we pay off the national debt."
Then the message would then go on to say;
"In case your wondering why, the short is that you are NOT too big to fail. You see instead of being one of the hundreds of thousands of small businesses that distribute products for one of the most competitive large industries in the U.S. economy, you might want to consider consolidating most of your assets into three or four big players, like the auto industry or aircraft manufacturing or banking. Then you see that way, if one of your companies were on the brink of failure, it might threaten to send the whole economy into a tailspin."
Then the advice would ensue:
"In the future, for bailout purposes, it would be better if your industry were structured as a house of cards, not as a solid foundation with risks spread among many companies that can step into the breach if some of their competitors happen to go under. Or maybe you could sell a whole bunch of product on credit and package all those loans into some exotic debt instruments that you could sell to the investment community. Then find a way to get enough of your consumers to default on payments to devalue those instruments, and voila!"
Then of course the One Minute Manger closing:
"But take heart. Even without a bailout of its own, we think the small businesses will indeed benefit from the federal rescue of the "To big to fail" industries. A rising economy, after all, will lift all boats. Our bailout of Wall Street will trickle down to Main Street and then will leach sideways to irrigate the furniture industry. "
Then the Adendum to the closing;
"Hold on, we’re getting a text message from our Subcommittee on Verbal Imagery. It seems the whole water metaphor is overdone and doesn’t quite capture the powerful effect of your government’s economic moves. Instead we are directed to refer to the bailouts as fertilizer that will enable American businesses to plant deep roots and bring our national prosperity to full flower in years to come. "
"Please excuse the smell. "
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